Not So Blue After All

There is an image that those of us who live on the "left coast" of the US are more liberal than the rest -- or at least the center -- of the country. Today the Washington State Supreme Court proved that the image is not necessarily the way things are.

In 1998 Washington state passed its own version of the "Defense of Marriage Act," the only point of which was to prevent gay and lesbian couples from making a legal commitment to each other. Nineteen couples brought suit against the state legislature, saying that they were being discriminated against by being forbidden the legal right to marry whomever they choose, a right which heterosexual couples enjoy. The decision of the court was made public today.
In the majority decision, Justice Barbara Madsen wrote that the state's marriage law was enacted to "promote procreation and to encourage stable families." That's all that marriage is for? Then why is it legal for me to be married to Jim? I'd had a tubal ligation before he and I got married, so no procreation was possible and the only family we have that can be stable is the two of us.

The most amazing quote I've read so far is the following:

"The basic decision came down to the fact that the Supreme Court felt that by limiting marriage to opposite sex, they sustained the ability to procreate," said Gary Randall, president of the Faith & Freedom Network in Bellevue. "

Excuse me? If the court had ruled that same-sex couples could marry, how would that in any way impact the ability to procreate, either by any individual or by society as a whole? I do believe that ranks with the very top stupid statements of all time.

Another quote from the Seattle Post-Intelligencer:

Attorneys for the state and King County -- as well as a group of state lawmakers and religious leaders opposing same-sex marriage -- argued that the question of who can marry should be left to the Legislature.
They said lawmakers had a rational reason for limiting marriage to people of the opposite sex: Only those couples are biologically capable of having children, and keeping them together is generally best for those children.

So then only couples who are biologically capable of having children should be allowed to marry. That is what they're saying. Forget requiring a Wasserman test before getting a marriage license. If this is the criterion for being allowed to get married, they should require a fertility test.

I really think that those who support the rights of everyone to get married to whomever they wish ought to propose such a bill in the state legislature, just to show how stupid the whole thing is.

Hmmmm. I think I may need to write to my state representatives.

Sometimes I Just Have to Talk About It

I don't usually post about my experience of grief. It's depressing for other people to read and I hate it when people feel sorry for me. I'm also very conscious of seeming to be Ms. Grief Expert. From early on, I thought about the Beatles song "She Said, She Said":

She said I know what it's like to be dead
I know what it is to be sad
And she's making me feel like I've never been born

I always felt sorry for Lennon and wasn't too thrilled with Peter Fonda (about whom the song is said to have been written), for making John feel that way. Now I find that I may be in Peter's shoes.

The fact is, though, missing Nicki is a part of my life every day and I've accepted that it is. Most of the time talking about it doesn't do much good and only brings stuff to the fore that would be better off left in the background. Still, every once in a while there's things that I need to say.

I had a conversation the other day in which I mentioned using other things to "fill the void" left in my life when Nicki died. I've been thinking of that phrase and, more specifically, of the void itself. There was a rather strange thing that happened in the first weeks and months after she died. Everybody has seen the cartoons where the bad critter is chasing the good critter and the good critter gets a cannon and shoots at the bad critter. The cannon ball goes right through the baddie's body, leaving a hole, but it doesn't kill the baddie and in the next shot, the baddie is all back together again. That's what losing Nicki felt like, except for the getting back together again. Having a physical hole in the middle of my body. Or, like Oz said to Willow on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, " I miss you. Like, every second. Almost like I lost an arm, or worse, a torso." Yeah. That says it.

Nicki died in December, so even in southern California where we lived at the time, it was pretty chilly outside. When I would go out, it was like I could feel the cold wind blowing right through that hole in my torso. My mind told me it was impossible to experience that, but that's how it felt. I guess over the years, it has eased a bit. The wound is not so raw any more, but the hole is still there, gaping and obvious. I keep trying to cram it with other stuff, just to keep the wind from blowing through, shoving wadded up newspaper into the corners because nothing is truly Nicki-shaped and I have to make do. Whatever I use is a poor substitute, but I will take whatever I can get and I might get just a bit testy when I feel that it's threatened.

I really hope I haven't made anyone feel like they've never been born. Not my intention.