Sometimes I Just Have to Talk About It

I don't usually post about my experience of grief. It's depressing for other people to read and I hate it when people feel sorry for me. I'm also very conscious of seeming to be Ms. Grief Expert. From early on, I thought about the Beatles song "She Said, She Said":

She said I know what it's like to be dead
I know what it is to be sad
And she's making me feel like I've never been born

I always felt sorry for Lennon and wasn't too thrilled with Peter Fonda (about whom the song is said to have been written), for making John feel that way. Now I find that I may be in Peter's shoes.

The fact is, though, missing Nicki is a part of my life every day and I've accepted that it is. Most of the time talking about it doesn't do much good and only brings stuff to the fore that would be better off left in the background. Still, every once in a while there's things that I need to say.

I had a conversation the other day in which I mentioned using other things to "fill the void" left in my life when Nicki died. I've been thinking of that phrase and, more specifically, of the void itself. There was a rather strange thing that happened in the first weeks and months after she died. Everybody has seen the cartoons where the bad critter is chasing the good critter and the good critter gets a cannon and shoots at the bad critter. The cannon ball goes right through the baddie's body, leaving a hole, but it doesn't kill the baddie and in the next shot, the baddie is all back together again. That's what losing Nicki felt like, except for the getting back together again. Having a physical hole in the middle of my body. Or, like Oz said to Willow on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, " I miss you. Like, every second. Almost like I lost an arm, or worse, a torso." Yeah. That says it.

Nicki died in December, so even in southern California where we lived at the time, it was pretty chilly outside. When I would go out, it was like I could feel the cold wind blowing right through that hole in my torso. My mind told me it was impossible to experience that, but that's how it felt. I guess over the years, it has eased a bit. The wound is not so raw any more, but the hole is still there, gaping and obvious. I keep trying to cram it with other stuff, just to keep the wind from blowing through, shoving wadded up newspaper into the corners because nothing is truly Nicki-shaped and I have to make do. Whatever I use is a poor substitute, but I will take whatever I can get and I might get just a bit testy when I feel that it's threatened.

I really hope I haven't made anyone feel like they've never been born. Not my intention.

Practicalities and Symbolism

Most of my extended family is politically very different than I am. The vast majority are in Kansas and Nebraska and they are exactly what makes the red states red: highly conservative, solidly Republican and oh, so very moral. They're nothing like us heathens who left the middle of the country for the opium dens of California. Well, they're not really bad people. They just have what I consider to be a very warped view of the world.

The most recent thing I got from my cousin Jeanne was telling about Red Fridays -- a plan to get people to wear something red on Fridays to show support for the troops. The idea isn't bad, necessarily, but I think it's as pointless as tying yellow ribbons around every tree you come across. It makes the person who's doing it feel like they've done something, but it does absolutely nothing for the people who need it. The most annoying part of the email, though, was the claim that the "liberal media" ignores anyone who supports military personnel and that "Every red-blooded American who supports our men and women afar will wear something red." Excuse me? Someone is going to determine what I think by what they happen to see or not see me wear on a given day of the week?

Also included in the email was the following: "The first thing a soldier says when asked "What can we do to make things better for you?" is...We need your support and your prayers." I would be the last person to call anyone else a liar without proof, so I will say that the second thing a soldier is likely to say is "We need lots and lots of stuff." There are tons of places on the internet that can help to facilitate supporting military personnel in a very real and practical way. AnySoldier.com has emails from people in the Middle East, listing the things they would love to have, some of which is as basic as toothbrushes. For those who want to help but don't have the time to do the shopping and packing and posting, there's TreatAnySoldier.com, which has pre-assembled packages of the most requested items. Then there's BooksForSoldiers.com, which I've only just found. Looks very good.

I wrote to my cousin, thanking her for telling me about the wearing-red-on-Friday thing, and also listed the sites above, saying that maybe doing something practical might be a little more useful than some symbolic gesture. I also told her that, while I detest the Commander in Chief, I do support the young men and women who are in a terrible circumstance over there.

I wonder if I'll get a response.

Life has its compensations

I've spent the last four days with another migraine. This is getting tedious, especially since I can't get any more Imitrex until July. I've been surviving on aspirin, which doesn't do very much.

Before the migraine hit, we had signed up to do another one of our Designed Dinners things. Their June menu was pretty good. We chose:

• Adobo Rubbed Sirloin Steak -- Full of flavor with garlic and a mildly spicy South American inspired adobo rub


• Asian Inspired Pork Loin Chops -- The sultry flavors of soya, orange, ginger, special seasonings and black tea come together for a great marinade


• Calzone Creation Station® -- Fresh dough, Designed Dinners signature basil pesto, herbed marinara and an array of fillings to choose from to build 4 custom calzones


• Chicken Wellington -- Breast of chicken, button mushrooms & swiss cheese baked in puff pastry


• Grilled Moroccan Style Breast of Chicken -- Ready for the BBQ with the robust flavors of red wine, coriander & cumin


• Grilled Tiger Shrimp -- With fresh rosemary & garlic


• Honey Ham Steak -- Glazed with molasses and rum


• Jumbo Meatballs in Sweet & Sour Sauce -- With pineapple & mixed peppers


• Mahi Mahi Fillet -- with pine nuts, lemon, herbs & chives


• Mojito Marinated Chicken Wings -- Mildly spicy, bursting with bright citrus flavor


• Savory Polish Style Smoked Sausage -- Premium skinless sausage with Designed Dinners signature beer braised onion compote


• The Ultimate Jalapeño Bacon Cheddar Burger -- Lean ground chuck mixed with herbs, garlic, aged cheddar cheese and minced jalapeño bacon

(We get two meals out of each one, so that makes 24 meals. I usually make three a week, which means this will last for 8 weeks.)

I wasn't sure how things were going to go this morning. The migraine was gone, but I always have a day or two of being really weak when they're over. We got to the place and got started. By the time we'd finished putting together two meals, I was ready to pass out. I know it was air-conditioned in the building, but I was drenched in sweat, the whole room was spinning and I had a horrible pain going across my back. I get that pain a lot when I'm feeling weak. So I found myself a stool to sit on and Jim went ahead and kept putting things together. He was so serious as he measured out the ingredients and made sure he had everything right. The chicken Wellington may not be the prettiest that anyone has ever seen, but I know it'll be edible and he did the very best he could. I was quite impressed with the way he dealt with the dough for the calzones.

At one point, I was sitting in a back room that was cooler and had real chairs instead of stools. Without being able to watch the goings-on, I found myself waxing philosphical (to borrow a phrase ;)). I'll admit I was feeling sorry for myself a bit, bemoaning the migraines and the Crohn's disease and all the other shit. I sorta felt like Job, with the gods picking me at random to mess with and make my life a hell. Then I thought about Jim and realized that, if the gods really had decided to mess with me, they at least gave me Jim so that I could bear it. I thought about a trade. Would I agree to lose Jim if it would mean that I was completely healthy? No. As long as he'll hang around, helping me to deal with it, I'll deal with it. Nothing in the world would be worth losing my guy.

So, we're home, we have 24 main dishes in the freezer, Jim's watching the World Poker Tour that he recorded while we were out. It's supposed to get over 80 degrees today and warmer each day through Tuesday. For those of you who are feeling that this is nothing, remember that we have no air conditioning. We have open windows, fans and shades to try to keep from ending up as little puddles on the carpet.

A Man of Grace and Conviction

When I saw on the news that Abu Musab al-Zarqawi had been killed, before I could even decide how I felt about it, I saw an interview with Michael Berg. Michael is the father of Nicholas Berg, the young contractor who was beheaded on a live internet feed, very probably by al-Zarqawi himself. It would be perfectly understandable for him to have jumped for joy at the news of the death of the man who had murdered his son so brutally, but he didn't. He said that it was a tragedy and that he felt for the al-Zarqawi's family who would be grieving just as the Berg family had been grieving.

I found an article that gave a little more of what Berg said.

"I think al-Zarqawi's death is a double tragedy," Michael Berg told The Associated Press after learning a U.S. airstrike had killed the leader of al-Qaida in Iraq. "His death will incite a new wave of revenge. George Bush and al-Zarqawi are two men who believe in revenge."...

Michael Berg, a pacifist who is running for Delaware's lone House seat on the Green Party ticket, said al-Zarqawi's death is likely to foster anti-American resentment among al-Qaida members who feel they have nothing left to lose.

Berg said the blame for most deaths in Iraq should be placed on President Bush, who he said is "more of a terrorist than Zarqawi."

"Zarqawi felt my son's breath on his hand as held the knife against his throat. Zarqawi had to look in his eyes when he did it," Berg added, pausing to collect himself. "George Bush sits there glassy-eyed in his office with pieces of paper and condemns people to death. That to me is a real terrorist."
Berg: No Good in Al-Zarqawi's Death

I am deeply humbled by this man. I, too, am a pacifist from as far back as I had any knowledge of war, but I'm not sure I could have the grace to apply it to the person who murdered my child with his own hands. It's things like this that remind me of how much I still need to learn.

Mozartballs

Yesterday I spent an absolutely enchanting late morning watching the new movie Mozartballs, which features one of my dearest friends, Steph Waller and her life-partner Lynette. (It helps to have an "in" with the star of a movie. ;-)) It's a gentle and loving look at people who have been affected in different ways by Mozart. Some of the folks are a little quirky, but they are all people that I would love to meet if I didn't know them already. I had a particular fondness for Austrian astronaut Franz Viehböck, who took Mozartkugeln (the aforementioned Mozartballs, which is a chocolate-and-marzipan candy) with him to share with fellow astronauts on the Mir space station. He seemed to be such a gentle soul.

Of course, it's a major kick to see someone you've known for just about 38 years :o in a movie. Undoubtedly those who have known Steph for a long time will see the film a bit differently than those who have not had the same good fortune. Some of the things she says will seem outrageous to a lot of folks. What I was especially pleased with was the way those who made the film obviously cared about my friend. There was a real sense of love and respect for her as a person and I believe that those who might have dismissed her as a kook will have their opinions softened by the gentle way in which her story is told.

It's doubtful that Mozartballs will ever be shown down at the local cineplex. It has been screened at several film festivals and has been broadcast on some European television networks. It is supposed to be coming up on a US cable network and some other places. I'll definitely be posting here when I find out the next time it'll be shown anywhere.

Friday is still on my mind

I mentioned in my last post that I had the song "Friday On My Mind" stuck in my head. It was featured in a movie we got from Netflix called Risk (an okay film, but nothing to write home about). We saw that movie on Saturday and the song is still going in my head. It's not a song I know well, which is one of the problems. Usually if I can sing a song all the way through, I can let it go and something else sticks in my head until it's replaced. Reading the lyrics doesn't do it, though. I have to already know the song. Don't look at me like that. I didn't make the rules. I just follow them. :-)

In the chorus of this bit of annoyance, are the following lines:

Tonight....I spend my bread, :rolleyes:
Tonight...I lose my head,
Tonight...I got to get -- tonight


Since I can't get the song out of my head, and I don't know the lyric enough to get rid of it, I find myself making up new lines.

Tonight ... I soak my head
Tonight ... I'll sleep with Ted
Tonight ... I'm filled with dread
Tonight ... I'll glow bright red

and on and on and on. At least it keeps my brain occupied.

Ephemera

A couple of days ago I was looking for something and thought I'd check in that top drawer in the little cabinet in the storage closet. That's the one that holds all sorts of memorabilia that I intend one day to organize, but I know I never will. For some reason, I felt the need to share its contents, so I'm sitting here with the drawer in front of me. I'll organize the list better than I've organized the drawer. I started to list all the photos, but there are too many. I'll just mention some special categories.

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• A little photo album that Jim's mother made up of pictures of him as a child


• A deflated mylar balloon that says "Go for it." I'm sure it was supposed to be encouragement for something, but I don't remember what it was. It was probably from Nicki.


• A deflated mylar balloon for Mother's Day. Definitely from Nicki.


• A box of bookplates with fairy designs on them. I've no doubt they were a gift.


• Pictures of my brother-in-law Michael and his ice sculptures


• A bumper sticker that obviously belonged to Nicki: "Left-handed -- Right-minded"


• A Christmas ornament that Nicki made.


• The works for a music box -- no box, just the music-making part with a hand crank. Plays "Greensleeves." A gift from Nicki.


• A paper fan. Must have been Nicki's.


• Pictures of me and of my friend Richard when he came to visit. -- 1975


• An envelope of photos taken when Nicki's "Kindergym" class had their public performance. -- 1976


• Ticket stubs and program for the three-day Bread and Roses festival in Berkeley. (Price: $5.00 for each day) -- 1977


• Nicki's baptismal certificate -- 1979 (She was baptized when she said she wanted to be.)


• My college diploma and my magna cum lauda rope -- 1981


• A picture of Jim and me from the weekend we spent in Tahoe after we got married. The closest thing we had to a honeymoon. (This one must be scanned to show to the world!!) -- 1983


• Nicki's fingerprints, taken by the Stanislaus County Sheriff's Department "just in case". -- 1983


• Nicki's school ID. -- 1984/85


• A certificate for Nicki finishing second in a spelling bee. -- 1985


• Ticket stubs from when Nicki and I saw The Nutcracker at the Shrine Auditorium in L.A. -- 1986


• A page from a newspaper in Merced that has an ad featuring my friend Dee. -- 1987


• Ticket stubs and program from a production of La Bayadere by American Ballet Theatre. -- 1987


• A card that came with a gift for Nicki -- 1990


• A long article featuring my friend Kaye that was in the Ventura CA newspaper -- 1992

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A separate section for theatre productions I was a part of:

• March 1985 -- The Crucible at Modesto Junior College. I played Sarah Goode and the offstage voice of Martha Corey.




• 3 photos


• Program




• May 1985 -- Museum at Modesto Junior College. This was an acting class production. I played "Maggie Snow, lost woman", "Barbara Castle", "Lillian, one of the laughing ladies" and "Zoe, Giorgio's wife".




• Program




• 1986 -- Addict at Fresno City College. What a horrible play! I played Janis, the crack-smoker.




• Program




• 1987 -- Noises Off at Fresno City College. I played "Dottie Otley/Mrs. Clackett" (the role Carol Burnett played in the movie)




• Program


• Article in the college newsletter)




• 1987 -- Eden Court at Fresno City College. I played Barb, the neighbor.




• Program




• Summer 1989 -- Madwoman of Chaillot at Miracosta College. I played "Josephine, the Madwoman of La Concorde."




• Script




• 1989 -- A photo. Can't remember the name of the play. It focuses on a married couple. I played the secretary of the husband who was having an affair with him. I guess there's lots of plays with that plot.


• Spring 1990 -- Love and Desperation via Pineapple Manipulation: A Psycho-Comedy with Fruit, a one-act, student-written play that I directed at Miracosta College in Oceanside CA.




• Photo of the screaming pineapple


• Photos of "my" actors getting into their drag queen makeup


• My copy of the script


• The card that came with the flowers my friends sent me on opening night




• Fall 1990 -- Androcles and the Lion at Miracosta. I was the assistant director.




• Program

I guess I should talk about what I was looking for, rather than being cryptic. I used to manage the newsletter for a grief support group in the area. I was thinking about one of the essays I wrote for that newsletter and I thought it was in the drawer. It wasn't. I was able to get a copy of it, though, because the founder of the group has all the past newsletters and made a copy of it for me. The funny thing was that when I read it, it wasn't nearly as good as I thought it had been.